Bouncing Back From An Argument
By Dr. Sue Morter
“Can’t we all just get along?”
How many times have we asked ourselves that question? From arguments with spouses, partners, family members and friends, to strife between differing cultures and countries, it seems friction and arguments are a natural part of every relationship. And, what we have to remember is that everything we encounter in this life is producing a sense of friction. Some versions we like because it’s stimulating and exciting, and yet it can be the biggest cause of pain and frustration in our relationships, especially with those we love the most.
In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States end in divorce.
Even with what seems to be dismal facts, there IS a positive reframe here. The truth is that friction is serving something wonderful. If we can tap into the service that’s being done.
What Is Friction?
Friction is simply a law of physics.
When high-frequency energy hits the density of lower frequency energy such as physical matter, friction occurs. At a soul-level, the truth of who we are is very high-frequency energy and because we are living within the material, physical world, everything we encounter in this life, whether we perceive it as “good” or “bad,” is producing a sense of friction.
When friction is “good” –vs– feeling “bad”
When friction is “good,” it feels stimulating and exciting, like a new idea or meeting someone special.
When friction feels “bad,” it shows up as arguments, when something doesn’t go the way that we want, or when a relationship isn’t meeting our expectations.
It can feel extremely frustrating to feel this friction and tension with others, but this friction is actually serving something positive.
Be The One Who Helps Transcend The Argument
The moment that you feel the defense physiology kicking in, one of you has to come down off of that and the best way to transcend the argument and to guarantee that it’s not going to happen is if it’s you that does it.
Here are some easy steps to do when you feel you are about to enter into an argument or conflict with another person:
1. Be tuned into your center and recognize that you are feeling that pressure rising.
2. Become mindful of the situation and physically focus on your core.
3. Decide to be the one who chooses to come down off of that feeling.
4. Come back in to your own Central Channel.
5. Breathe up and down the center of your body.
6. Relax and stay in that state, and sense yourself as being “whole”.
7. Refrain from needing to prove a point or needing approval from the other person.
8. Hear what the other person is trying to say and reflect it back to them
The soulful self, the you, the true essence already has what the personality is looking for here. When you come back to your own center (as in number 4 above) and you begin to practice this exercise on a regular basis, you begin to feel a sense of wholeness inside of your core. You are then able to bring love, compassion to the other person and be open to hearing what they are trying to say.
Once you hear what they are trying to say and reflect it back to them, then they feel heard just like you wanted to feel heard. But, you don’t need to feel heard because you feel the same sense of “presence” that you would have if you had been heard. All by stay connected to your central channel.
The whole idea is to recognize that if you can create that resistance inside your body and stay connected to your “sense of self”, then you don’t have to create that friction outside of your body in the friction that would exist between you and the other person.
When we come in contact with the awareness of our core truth, we no longer have a desperate feeling that our partner or other person has to know us, in order for us to know ourselves. During an argument, we feel we have to be “right,” because at a human level we want to know we’re ok. The truth of our being is that we’re already ok. If we can find that sense of “okay-ness” in the midst of an argument, we no longer have the urge to prove ourselves right. We can stop and be present, which allows our partner to settle into their true essence as well. It’s from this place; an argument becomes a discussion of sharing ideas and perspectives in a collaborative way. It becomes an invitation for inclusion and a model for each person to behave in a different pattern.
Getting Back To The Love Quicker
When you come from a place of compassion and understanding, the energy will begin to back down and that friction will start to come back to a flow, peace, and grace. By allowing them to say their point and to really listen and reflect back what you’re hearing, you give them “loving allowance” by showing them you are available. Just in that moment of you asking for them to communicate so they can see that you’re listening, that act right there, (rather than fighting it) shifts the energy. Not only does it allow a better connection between the two of you, it allows love to flow.
You actually transcend the argument by allowing it to show you the capacity you have to tap into love and your appreciation for the other.
You can choose to move to love, to be the first one to step out of the vibration causing friction and into the higher vibration of love.
When you anchor in your own core, it allows you to open to love again. The task is to remember, in that moment when you’re seated there and breathing into the core of your body, you feel a beautiful sense of presence and are able to open to love.
This exercise allows you to remember that you love or care about this person you’re arguing with, or that is so upset. And you can look to them with compassion and understanding.
If you can sit in that loving place, even for a split second, you can start to open up to that higher vibrational frequency of your truth. As your vibration raises, so does the others and those two separate energy fields start to become one, giant energy field, encompassing the both of you. And you start to feel an embrace that was isolating you prior to your ability to perceive it. And in that space, love is present.
So we infuse love into the energy frequency. The energy field of the other individual starts to up-level itself to match the frequency of love, as it melts into what you’re generating, by transcending this argument, and allowing love to prevail.
Dr. Sue Morter from Morter Institute bridges science, spirit and human possibility.
For over 30 years, she has been teaching health care practitioners, patients and students integrative approaches to wellness, based in quantum science and energy medicine.
Visit drsuemorter.com for more information.